Happy Xmas (War Is Over) (But Not Really) (And Santa’s Dead)

Hooray! After close to a decade, our long national cakewalk is finally over. We went into Iraq in 2003 with four simple goals: blow a bunch of shit up, kill lots of people, funnel tons of money to shady private contractors, and electrocute our soldiers in showers. And we succeeded at all of them! U S A! U S A!

But alas, even the most successful of wars must come to an end. And so the Iraq War draws to a “close,” because President Obama worked tirelessly to keep his promise to end this pointless debacle Iraq would not give U.S. soldiers carte blanche to kill and rape with impunity. But don’t worry, “withdrawing from Iraq” doesn’t actually mean leaving it. What are you, stupid? It means leaving some troops there to continue training Iraqi forces, plus a barely noticeable 16,000 State Department personnel, which includes a shit-ton of those kooky private mercenaries the Iraqi people have come to know and get shot by over the years. And there’s also this, via AP:

In getting out of Iraq, Obama emphasized that “our strong presence in the Middle East endures”

Phew! For a minute there I thought we might stop raining death down on the good people of the various countries of the Middle East. And then what would we be? A bunch of pussies, that’s what! But not to worry, the foreign policy doctrine that is generally known as “neoconservatism” — but that I like to call “Uncle Clusterfuck’s Shit-Storm of Hubris!!!” — is still alive and well. Covert and/or overt wars continue on unabated in Afghanistan, Pakistan, Sudan, Yemen, Iran, and more. It’s a Christmas miracle!

And now, for some reason, we’re also supposed to take seriously a push by the same war-crazy, deeply stupid fucknuts who talked us into the Iraq war to launch a full-on hot war with Iran. (This would be akin to a guy talking you into sticking your dick in a beehive, and then two minutes later letting that same guy talk you into sticking your dick in a garbage disposal.) Seriously, these motherfuckers won’t be satisfied until we get WW3 going and start letting those nukes — which are just sitting there, collecting dust — fly every which way, and we all die in a fiery hellstorm. (This would be that guy then talking you into having sex with Courtney Love.)

Honestly, why would any sane person listen to the people who brought us the Iraq war? If you’ll remember, that war did not go very well. But apparently we’re supposed to forget all about that and now be very upset at Iran for shooting down one of our drones. (Because, after all, America considers nothing a more provocative act of war than attacking the U.S. soldiers and/or robots that are invading your country.) And also because supposedly Iran’s elite spy force tapped a mentally unstable, alcoholic used car salesman to hire a Mexican drug cartel to shoot some Saudi Ambassador, a story which is the very essence of the word “plausible.” (And also, who cares anyway?) War with Iran would be a catastrophe of unimaginable proportions, but because of the warped, hysterical state of American foreign policy, we’re pretty much just one Toby Keith song away from it becoming a reality.

So yes, Virginia, there will be Endless War for the rest of your miserable life. Wait, what’s that? Is that the sound of jolly old St. Nick gliding across the night sky in his bright red sleigh? Oh, wait, no, it’s a predator drone. LOOK OUT!!!

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