Obama fucks teenage girls (figuratively)

President Obama, who, as the result of an experiment gone horribly wrong in David Axelrod’s laboratory, requires the sweet, life-sustaining juices of liberal disappointment to stave off death, was growing weak yesterday.  He had done something that liberals, even many who are very dissatisfied with him (myself included), actually liked.  His speech in Osawatomie, Kansas previewed a 2012 in which his reelection campaign would take an unapologetically populist tack, speaking out about economic injustice, defending the social contract, and taking a fight to corporate interests.

So he needed to do something quick to seriously bum out progressives, lest his skin start peeling off in chunks and his appendages begin to fall from his body, just like in Death Becomes Her. (Remember Death Becomes Her?)  Luckily, there was any easy solution at hand.  The FDA was ready to approve Plan B for over-the-counter sales with no age restrictions, because of course, and logic. Obama was quick to order HHS head Kathleen Sebelius to overrule the FDA and keep the drug unavailable to girls 16 and under without a prescription.

Obama defended this decision by calling it “common sense,” presumably because he misunderstands what those words mean.  The AP story describes some of his further justifications:

'Obama said that as he understood it, Sebelius was wary of a 10-year-old or 11-year-old going into a drugstore and buying a medication — one on the shelves next to “the bubble gum and batteries” — that could be harmful if not used properly.'

See, the Obama administration just wants to keep kids from having access to things that “could be harmful if not used properly”!  That’s why they subsequently announced that they’ll also be removing anti-freeze, sharp-pointed scissors and trans fat-laden baked goods from shelves as well, putting them all behind a giant wall protected by benevolent, fatherly pharmacists who will toil day and night to protect this generation of clumsy, slutty 10-year-olds from themselves.

I suppose this is all due to some sort of election-eyeing political calculation, but it seems like it’s a fool’s errand.  The members of the hysterical “every zygote is sacred’ crowd are never gonna vote for Obama, even if he were to declare eminent domain over all uteruses and order drone strikes on Planned Parenthood clinics.  He might just as well try teaming up with Orly Taitz to see if he can attract some of that sweet Birther vote.  In (unfortunately) classic Obama fashion, it’s a perfect storm of bad policy, bad politics, and pointlessness.  Oh well, enjoy raising those babies, teenage girls!

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