Stop the GOP assault on the dictionary!

I can’t manage to get myself all that worked up over the GOP’s obstruction of the payroll tax cut extension.  There’s certainly nothing surprising about it.  Republicans, after all, are required upon launching their campaigns to attend a Cosanostra-style ceremony in Grover Norquist’s basement where they swear a blood oath to never ever ever raise taxes on anyone (except maybe poor people, who, we can all agree, are totally gross.) This is because the current seemingly arbitrary tax rates are in actuality the ones that Jesus decreed to be right and just when he rode his Luck Dragon down to America to help George Washington chop down that cherry tree.  So how can I get mad at the GOP for doing something utterly hypocritical, detrimental to the economy, and downright cruel to working men and women?  Would you get mad at a lion for devouring a gazelle, or a dilophosaur for spitting toxic saliva in that guy who played Newman on Seinfeld’s face? It’s what they do.

But whereas the GOP has lost their ability to surprise me, they still manage to annoy me more than ever.  Mostly in the area of rhetoric, and specifically, their liberal use of the terms “job creators” and “job-killing.”  Repulicans use the term “job creator” to mean “anyone who happens to be a millionaire.”  This offends me as someone who understands words.  The current inhabitants of that one percent tier, with it’s average 1.2 million dollar income, aren’t creating many jobs these days, despite doing better for themselves than ever.  (And paying lower income taxes than they have in over two decades.)

The companion rhetoric of “job creator” is “job-killing.”  The GOP puts the words “job-killing” in front of any revenue increase they may be discussing.  It seems to be almost involuntary at this point, like a kind of anti-Keynesian Tourette’s.  Again, all empirical evidence demonstrates that there is absolutely no correlation between tax increases on the wealthy and decreased employment.  And yet Republicans keep using these Frank Luntz-sanctioned terms, willing them to be true, or at least to seem true to their more dim-witted constituents.

But here’s the thing, Republicans: Words - even rigorously focus-grouped words -cannot cause things that are untrue to become real.  Saying the term “job-killing” before a thing does not cause that thing to actually be job-killing.  Because if that were the case, I would simply start referring to mowing the lawn as blowjob-facilitating yard care.  I mean, boy, do I hate mowing the lawn.  What a boring, thankless chore!  But if through the power of my magic words I could suddenly summon into existence a mob of beautiful, fellatio-crazed women so turned on by the sound of a John Deere push-mower chopping through a thicket of overgrown blue grass that they work themselves into a libidinous frenzy that can only be sated with some vigorous blowjobbing, then the world would instantly be a better place, with many more perennially well-manicured lawns to boot.

But alas, this is not the case.  GOPers have been abusing these words for far too long, so this is what I propose: a “job-killing”-killing tax on use of the term “job-killing” (and “job creator” too.)  Every time a Republican uses one of these terms, they have to pay 3.2 gazillion dollars to the federal government.  This way, I will stop having to hear these offensively stupid terms all the time, and the deficit will disappear overnight.  See, who said this shit has to be difficult?

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